Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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