Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
