I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
