totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
