If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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