i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't turn off my feet"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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