I need to stop coming to work sober
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
