Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
