Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
