how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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