I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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