You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
