So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
