I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
