So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
