I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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