then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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