Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize