He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
