I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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