i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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