Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
