sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
