mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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