come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Even my vagina gasped.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
