i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
