i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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