She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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