I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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