Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
