I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
