oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
