Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
