Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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