I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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