defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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