it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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