I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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