You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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