There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
