My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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