If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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