I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize