you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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