I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
