If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
