I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
