Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
