Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
