I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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