you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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