I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
