Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Someone shattered a urinal.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
