I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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